Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe follows the heroic exploits of a galactic defender, played by Jesse Ventura, who comes to Earth to--wait, wait, that can’t be right.

Jesse Ventura? The washed-up 80s wrestler known primarily for his feather boas and conspiracy theories? No, no way. Who would let THAT GUY guard a universe? Forget that, who would even let him guard some small part of the universe? Say, a state of the United States of America, a state with a population of roughly 5.3 million, perhaps located in the Midwest, with an area of 86,939 square miles, famous for its thousands of lakes? Totally implausible, the world just isn’t that silly.

And yet, here he is, ready to stumble into action and visibly struggle when he speaks! It’s a Terminator-infringing wonderland of snow, words like Comator (or Colemader, or Cone-mater, depending on who happens to be saying it) and organic apple sales. And it features JIM BELUSHI AS AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. He’s there for some comic relief, in the sense that if someone has been stepping on your throat but then stops to step on your chest instead, it’s sort of a “relief”.

According to Jim, but also Mike, Kevin, and Bill, it’s time to slap on a bald cap and rat-tail combo and take a ride in the Governor’s car to Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe!