The Apple

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The year was 1980 and one trend was sweeping America! No, not that animated dancing cat from the Paula Abdul video. We admire you thinking outside the box, but jeez, you were off by like nine years. Reign it in a bit. We were talking about the nationwide fad of really crappy musicals!

Yes, 1980 brought us Xanadu, The Village People’s Can’t Stop the Music and of course the crown* jewel of them all: The Apple. Because what we needed at the start of Reagan’s America was the book of Genesis set to music.

The Apple tells the story of Alphie and Bibi, a pair of sweetheart musicians from Canada who make the Osmonds look like GG Allin. Alphie’s vaguely foreign-y accent and resemblance to sensei John Kreese do nothing to slow them down as they ascend the ladder to stardom. Of course, they have a little assistance from Mr. Boogalow of the sinister BIM Corporation, which is at times a record company, an oppressive totalitarian regime and the producer of a reality singing TV show (listed in order from least despicable to most.) Forgot the name BIM already? Do not worry, there is a solid ten minutes of the movie where people shout it at you while doing aerobics.

When Bibi is unable to resist the temptation and signs the record contract (GET IT???) she’s vaulted to superstardom, but at what cost? The answer appears to be not much for her. She’s actually doing pretty OK. Alphie on the other hand moves in with an elderly female landlord, as you do when times get rough. The real victims of Satan’s nefarious temptation appears to be the audience’s ear drums, which are assaulted with a variety of songs that are best described as Disco’s death rattle.

Mike, Kevin and Bill would love to stop and chat but they just got word that BIM is on the way. Why don’t you watch The Apple while they wait for him to get here.

*One of those cheap cardboard crowns you get at Burger King

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Legacy devices (319.19 MB)
Low (566 MB)
Medium (1.01 GB)
High (TV) 480p (1.63 GB)
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HD High 1080p (9.2 GB)
Burnable SD DVD Image (3.95 GB)

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Poster art by <a rel="_blank" href="https://jasonmartian.com">Jason Martian</a>
Poster art by Jason Martian

RiffMeter rating

9.10787
Average: 9.1 (445 votes)

Content Rating

TV-14

Collection

Movie Decade

Release date

April 16, 2013

Runtime

87 minutes
Captions (Streaming Video)