“Somebody sssssstop me! No seriously, somebody please stop me, I’m planning to make a sequel to The Mask, eleven years after the original, without Jim Carrey, but with Jamie Kennedy, a dog, and a dancing baby. This is a cry for help.”

Seeing John Travolta dance and sing with Olivia Newton John is, yes, a horror beyond human reckoning. But seeing him strap on giant Gene Simmons-style platform boots, dreadlocks and crotch-hugging leather pants to play some sort of sadistic alien in this L. Ron Hubbard mess will make you want to rend your eyes out with a shrimp fork. Oh, and every single shot in the film is tilted at a vomit-inducing angle. You can get our riff of it here.

Evidently this movie is full of affronts and blasphemy to the canon of the Nickelodeon cartoon show it is based on. As grown men, we cannot comment on the accuracy of the claims, which are usually made in all caps on someone’s Tumblr. We CAN state for the record that it is quite easy to detest this movie even if you’ve never seen a frame of the TV show. We hope that Jake Lloyd has a standing offer to commiserate over a beer with the young star (name: That F&*#ing Kid from The Last Airbender) when he turns 21. And yes, we've riffed it.

If you put Halle Berry in a leather catsuit and STILL wind up with a 3/10 user rating on IMDb, you’ve done something wrong. You’ve done something terribly, permanently, Cthulhu-rising-from-the-sea wrong.