Ah, Christmas. The stockings are hung. The fire is roaring. Mom and dad have been abducted by an African warlord and their son forces a friend to board a plane to Finland to find them only to be kidnapped by an ogre who forces them into slavery. Chestnuts roasting. You know how it goes!

I Believe in Santa Claus starts with our hero, Simon, being locked in a closet by a cruel janitor. Perhaps he was trying to eat pudding without eating his meat, we’re not sure. Simon is a bit of a whiner these days, because both of his parents have been kidnapped while on an aid mission to Africa. Where in Africa, you might ask? “Just Africa!” the movie says, and yes, it’s going to be that kind of film.

Anyway, you’re probably way ahead of us, but yes, Santa Claus goes on a covert mission to rescue the hostages with the aid of a fairy princess and a couple of automatic weapon toting child soldiers. Kris Kringle nearly gets devoured by an alligator, Simon nearly gets devoured by the ogre, and there’s probably a scene on the cutting room floor where Blitzen nearly gets devoured by Comet and Cupid. Because yet again, it’s that kind of film.

Add in some of the most maddening Christmas earworms this side of “Dogs Barking Jingle Bells”, and you’ve got yourself a brand new RiffTrax Christmas classic that’s destined to join the ranks of Stinky the Skunk, Droppo, Accordion Wolf, The Small Tree of No Account, Lupita, the husky kid from Magic Christmas Tree, Rudolph’s foxy mama, Norman Spear Jr, and the Ice Cream Bunny himself. Stop all your crying business and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the madness that is I Believe in Santa Claus.