Inside the ruins of Chernobyl, a ragtag group of stereotypes attempts to fend off a horde of Nazis.

They’re both after something called Atomic Eden, which sounds like the name of a scrapped David Lee Roth solo album, or perhaps a strain of mid-grade weed. It could be either, because the movie never really gets around to filling the audience in on what Atomic Eden might be. But WOW, a lot of people sure are willing to die for it! So actually, it probably isn’t that David Lee Roth album…

Leading the good guys is Stoker, played by B-movie legend Fred Williamson, who kicks ass and takes names despite being the same age as John Carradine was when he died. Watch any of the approximately 782 John Carradine movies we’ve riffed to understand how stunning/incomprehensible that is. 

Backing Stoker up are a lot of terrible actors with unimaginative nicknames. The Cowboy, The Samurai, The Priest, The Fighter, The Blade, The Midnight Toker, The Meg, The Lox, The Situation, The The, The Lorax, and The Director In A Truly Self-Indulgent Casting Job. Will they be able to fight off the Nazis? What is Atomic Eden? Why would you set a movie in Chernobyl only to have the characters never really seem that concerned about radiation? Wait, is that guy played by Lorenzo Lamas? Really? No, seriously??

Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Atomic Eden. (It was him? Really?!)

Written by Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka, and Sean Thomason

Contributing writers: Jason Miller and Zachary Shatzer