The first question you’d have if you met a talking, glowing outer space rock would probably be “Can you lick things?”

Once you were assured that, of course it could, you’d probably want to know: “Do you have other protuberances that extend outward and throb in a suggestive manner?” After it demonstrated this off-putting ability, you’d probably say, “Terrific! You’ll be perfect for my new children’s movie!”

As tends to happen in this type of movie, Cynthia Rothrock shows up to kick guys. We assume because they questioned the rock’s ability to lick things, but we’re not entirely certain. The rock can also cause hallucinations and turn your hands into feet, so why it needs Cynthia to do all this kicking on its behalf seems kind of gsef up imcrtdsnf, niy aow xo kifbe?

Sorry, the rock turned our hands into feet there. We won’t question its abilities again! Anyway, Fight To Win is like someone said “Let’s make a Kung Fu The Goonies, but if the kids were, like, really in actual danger. Not the characters, the actual child actors.” It’s zany, it’s action packed, and it’s got one of the most insane Final Act Twists we’ve ever encountered at RiffTrax, and keep in mind, The Ice Cream Bunny showing up on a fire truck was one of the Final Act Twists we’ve encountered.

Look, we all know you stopped reading this and bought it after we mentioned the rock with a tongue. But in case you’re pretending to read the rest just so your family doesn’t think you’re a weirdo, please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Fight To Win!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason, Jason Miller, & Zach Shatzer