OLD

It’s the beach that makes you old, in the movie that makes you “huh?”

Old is a… thriller… from M. Night Shyamalan, the master of twists. The twist? He keeps getting money to make movies with half-baked concepts!

Thrill as a family checks into a fancy resort! Beverages are served! Exposition is deployed, to the max! The family accepts a special invitation to a secluded beach, joined by a crew of Familiar Archetypes. The cold, indifferent doctor and his young, bikinied wife. The therapist who only talks about therapy. The kids. And of course, the rapper named Mid-Sized Sedan. Is that name a joke? Just like everything else in this mysterious world, it’s hard to be sure!

Eventually, the dopes on the beach start to notice that it’s making them old. Mostly just the kids, though. And the kids… oh, the kids. Suffice to say, they grow up too fast, with disturbing results. People start dropping dead, developing theories, and reacting to everything with the dull flatness we’ve come to expect from M. Night’s characters. Hot Dog Guy from The Happening, where are you when we need you?

If you haven’t seen this movie, you really need to see the explanation at the end. Is it satisfying? Of course not! Will it make you say “OH COME ON!”? Quite likely!

It’s the movie that gets older while its hair and fingernails stay the same age. There’s much to think about, but little to understand. Confused? So are Mike, Kevin and Bill, join them for Old!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason

Contributing writers: Jason Miller and Zach Shatzer