(RiffTrax Opening Theme Song)
This movie brought to you by Japan
Japan sorry about World War
Two you guys here's a
big bunch of hentai.
[Kevin] Not just Japan
Funky japan,
Oooo Japan after dark
oooh yeah!!
[Mike] Those topless women might seem
sexier if they weren't swimming in a
giant pool of blood.
* *
[Kevin] Directed by a bikini
top stealing monkey
[Mike] Wait, what ok I wasn't ready
* *
[Bill] These pool cleaners are eccentric.
* *
Oh I see it's Ted Nugent's
pool cleaning service
* *
[Kevin] Ah huh if I had a nipple
for every movie
that started with topless woman
[Mike] Nickel, Kevin, nickel
[kevin] That's what I said.
* *
(shot fires)
[Bill] Stop shooting me Debbie, God!
* *
[Mike] Forced botox is a big thing
in this Hugh Hefner worshipping dystopia.
(horses feet clopping)
[Bill] My mom dressed like that in the seventies
Gun and All!
[Mike] Wow
[Kevin] Her pathological hatred of Ralph
Lauren drove her to ever darker deeds
[Mike] Are you the jerk
who made fun of my hot pants ensemble?
[Bill] Ah car pulling up
this should explain
her huh??**
[Kevin] Okay I'm getting
the pattern every thirty seconds
this movie starts a new
scene that ends with a
bunch of discount
Charlie's Angels showing up
and killing everyone.
[Mike] I've heard worse ideas
(shot fires)
Bill] Average afternoon for{ Wilt Chamberlain
Mike] General film Corporation{
creators of proudly non-
specific cinema.
[Kevin] Our guarantee
we will not limit our movies by
committing to anything in particular
[Bill] Wonder Women??
Oh boy!
Here we go!!
Diana the warrior
princess of the Amazon
Powerful and beloved superhero
[Mike] Bill Bill Bill wait wait
Bill] member of the justice{
league of America, Wielder
of the lasso of truth!
[Kevin] Bill no no
[Mike] No Bill.
[Bill] Yes?
[Mike] the title of this movie is wonder WOMEN
Plural. And it has a ..
[Bill] Oh boy you mean
there's some dimensional
crisis where there's more than one
wonder woman and they do battle in order to
[Mike and Kevin) Bill! Bill!
[Bill] Bill this movie has nothing to
do with the superhero Wonder Woman!
[Mike] At all!!
[Kevin] It's just this weird
crime caper with some sci fi thrown in
shot in the Philippines for like uh $100
[Bill] Oh
Well I love Jai Alai is there
at least Jai Alai?
[Mike] No that was it
* *
[Kevin] Gun? Nice.
Like that look
Ah but the black gloves make it a fashion
over statement.
[Bill] Yeah
[Mike] I love you Jai Alai whatever your
stupid rules, uh ohhh
[Bill] Oh yeah murder is
worth it to score a sensible used car
(shot fires)
[Mike] Oh hire Martha
Graham dancers to play murder victims.
* *
[Kevin] Ah don't run us down
we're your audience! Ahh!!
(brakes screech)
[Bill] Ooo the Grey Poupon guy
is doing alright for himself
* *
[Kevin] Well guys luckily
we have constant circus music now
so we can all go and sing
[Bill] That is a blessing
[Mike] RIP--tiny scuba gear.
[Bill] It's Frank Booth's origin story
* *
[Kevin] mmmm hmmm down by the sea
we throw our bodies right into the ocean and
down they float to
feed the fish that dwell under the sea
Take it Mike!!
[Mike] What?
(tries to sing) Down by the sea that
the fish are now eating
your grandma it's so nice
I didn't know the words!!
[Kevin] No sweat.
We're moving on
musically baby here we go uh huh!
[Bill] Ladies are allowed to
wear internet douche hats??
(disco music plays)
[Mike] Sudden underpants alert
[Kevin] Hey stop throwing your
underpants and watch the movie Mike.
* *
[Bill] Movie is its own rule 34
* *
[Mike] Hot!!
Putting on shoes and
adjusting various foundation garments
in a cramped back seat action
[Kevin] Ah they're going to a mother
of dead kid in Jaws cosplay party
* *
[Mike] Blofelt's criminal lair
or community college built in the 60s?
Hard to say.
[Bill] Well the presence of sexy
armed guards would argue for
the former but maybe
it's like uh Bel Air Community College?
Here you are check
for the vital signs
Anesthesia
[Kevin] Oh yeah anesthesia
would so great right now
[Bill] Dude
Respiration it was unsatisfactory.
I see it irregular.
[Mike] They do not
mess around when giving a mani-pedi
(indistinct)
[Bill] Odd pallbearers but we
had to honor grandpa's funeral wishes
[Kevin] We should request
pants for our next job
(buzzing noise)
[Mike] Nice to meet you
(buzzing noise)
[Bill] There are super
kinky billionaires who pay a
lot for this service.
Jesus Christ
It worked.
Still alive?
Of course he is.
You don't think she can do it?
She can do anything it.
Do you think she'll be pleased with us?
[Kevin]and P. S. are we in the same room?
Yeah and everything went so
perfect I can't believe it.
Not quite.
You goofed back there remember.
[Mike] you wore two inch heels
instead of three inch
I always went out to kill you
could have knocked him out!
Get off my back.
Now you listen to me.
You were thirty seconds off
your mark now the next time that
happens to you
[Kevin] We'll be having a
cheaply titilating cat fight
Congratulations.
There's no deterioration.
You are to be commended.
[Bill] Our beta version of Orlando Bloom
looks promising.
To all of you.
It must be a complete success
The key to immortality. the living brains
sustained.
Transferred into new and foreign origins.
I'll accept it.
Because of my anti rejection serum
[Bill] Anti rejection serum.
Wow I could have used that
for many Mensa applications
[Kevin] It's all very nice but it
a 727 is about to land on your heads!!!
[Bill] (singing) Leaving for Miami Beach
Didn't get to bed last night
Plane was so damn noisy
it made my ears bleed!
Still at least it wasn't Delta!
[Mike] Wew it took a butt
twist at the end there
[Bill] I abandoned rhyme
and meter to tell truth
(sound of plan engines)
(sound of plane engines)
[Kevin] We'll hire the creepiest
cinematographer we can
find!!
There we go.
(indistinct on loud speaker in airport)
[Mike] I hope this guys
who look kind of like
Lee Majors convention is a success.
[Bill] Am I wearing the hat?
Or it the hat wearing me?
Hmmmm.
(indistinct)
[Kevin] Where's the hula girls with my lei?
[Mike] This is the Philippines sir
here you get a fermented duck embryo
I am the number one the fiercest
the bravest
Good.
You got it.
[Bill] My life story! Coming up after
[Kevin] No that's not what
No
This is a fascinating and very
long life story sir
you will love it
[Kevin] Uhhh
It's alright
* *
[Mike] Like the car?
I stole it off some puppet band!
(indistinct)
You been here before?
[Bill] Ever T bone a school bus??
This the car!
Very soon, watch me!
[Mike] The intercontinental hotel.
Come see why you were vaccinated
before your flight here.
Yes my friend.
Makes me lover not a fighter!
Love a little.
Fight a little.
[Kevin] Leave a penny take a penny
* *
[Bill] Car made entirely
of Peter Tork's shirts.
* *
Thank you very much.
[Mike] Andy Kaufman, Taxi, I get it.
What's your name?
Mike.
[Kevin] Geez this this floor
is covered in train darts
Listen I'm looking for
a man named Lorenzo.
Oh you must be Mr Harbor.
Lorenzo's expecting you.
You bet your sweet he is.
Where can I find him?
Right here.
[Bill] May I still wager my sweet ass?
Where the hell do you get off
snatching my passport?
I have here a check for ten
thousand dollars from Lloyds of London.
[Mike] They loved your jingle,
Made out to you.
It should buy me five
minutes of your time.
Five minutes, my passport
and the next flight to Melbourne.
How about five minutes of a drink
you looks as though you
could use one.
[Kevin] Ahhh there'd better
be sweet asses to bet on
* *
[Bill] Well that experiment flopped.
Onto cankle reductions.
We have the optical regeneration
for Lillian Taylor it's scheduled
for surgery tomorrow morning. And also
[Mike] Look out
more eye candy for the ladies!!
Program her against pain.
Place her in an alpha state
and ten and a half cycles per second.
[Kevin] But they Pinterest til four then
sneak out.
Got it.
I've received a cable of
verification from our former
paraplegic.
[Mike] Have a break from my face.
Time's up!
The English Duke.
Completion monies to the extent of
three hundred thousand pounds
sterling would be accredited to
your Swiss account.
As of that date.
[Mike] Here's the place mat of authenticity
Good.
I'm pleased to see that
such a handsome man is
going to be a man again
[Kevin] Does she mean handsome for a
Rob Zombie regular?
Our south American friends are
quivelling over pennies again.
Five hundred thousand dollars
to be exact.
[Bill] So fifteen million pennies
His representative has expressed his
employers concern over
the nature of the donor's sex
[Mike] Please don't say the word sex Argo.
I would be happy to speak to his employer.
But you can reassure him that
never say never.
[Kevin] And that Mr Bokowsky
is a model organ donor
Today's a happy day.
And I don't want to hear of
any more problems.
That's what I pay you for
I know doctor
[Bill] His smile can
light up an adult bookstore
and we have one more matter to discuss.
I think we have a problem
[Mike] It appears to be the 70s
Seems as though Lloyds of London
will be obligated to pay
an insurance policy of $500,000.
for jai ali player?
The world's top player.
His salary was extraordinary.
[Kevin] He's the Jeff
Dunham of jai alai.
Not much time just to
pay off the policy with
within 90 days.
So they have to pay up because
it doesn't concern us.
That's so doctor we have
nothing to worry about,
[Bill] Edward's loser brother Gary James Almos
Of some invincible force a superman..
According to
his dociere he is a man that
can be dangerous to us.
[Mike] He's a complicated
man no one understands
him but his woman.
That no one man
is dangerous to us?
His name is Mike Harbor.
Four years service
with the CIA.
Five years with the detective
bureau of the Los Angeles
police department.
[Kevin] and flow Bee test subject
You've blown three minutes
Forty eight hours ago a jai alai player
Almol Julio was kidnapped right
here in Manilla.
And unless he's
found alive it's going to
cost my company half a million dollars.
[Bill]and a buttload of
those weird curvy paddles
Could become a fad like skyjacking.
And get out of hand.
[Mike] You know fads like leisure suits or
mail bombs.
We need a miracle Mr Harbor a miracle.
Miracles come high
ten thousand dollars plus all expenses.
[Kevin] Bear in mind the currency here
is coconuts.
When and if you find Julio alive.
Yeah.
Got a piece of paper?
[Bill] Just make sure I get
your eyes right here
Okay.
It's gonna work twenty five thousand
win lose or draw and if I get
uh what's his name back in one piece
then I'll settle for
[Mike] Someone who
loves me for me.
A hundred and sixty thousand?
That's Impossible.
My passport.
Ten percent.
That's impossible.
My passport.
Twenty percent.
[Kevin] and the waiter's number!
I can't go a penny higher.
No one's asking you to it's a deal.
Here lay it out
[Bill] Hey! A funka delic parliament!
* *
[Mike] I trust the Cuban machine will be
up and running in time
for high tea yes?
[Kevin] No sir you'd want to watch this
step we had a high
society orgy last night.
Quite slippery.
* *
[Bill] Oh boy hope Alex and his droods
don't start singing
in the rain or this will
get real ugly.
Mr. Paulson this is indeed a pleasure.
[Mike] That's my phlegm hand!
[Kevin] He's a guardian angel trainee.
Has to work his way up
to the red beret.
Mr. Paulson assumes all the
arrangements have been made.
[Bill] The Dave and Busters will be closed to the public.
Mike and Sue will be here at
any moment to discuss
the details of the operation
However there is a
slight matter of a fee
Yes sir.
[Mike] Manuel! Doggy treat!
One million dollars
Now that takes care of the first part
Now for the second.
[Bill] You want to do
WHAT to Jessica Fletcher?
Oh my God
Mr Paulson has noted that Dr Sue
was expelled from an international
medical association.
Dr Sue is a hundred years
ahead of her time
[Mike] Her floppy
discs are a compact
five and a quarter inches.
Mr Paulson has further noted
that Dr Sue has reported to perform
unusual experiments on her patients.
[Kevin] Something called CPR
Her genius and her talent
transcends the question
of human morality. (gong sounds)
[Bill] Bill But unfortunately
she cannot transcend racist musical cues
Mr Paulson was concerned with the
outcome of the operation.
Her work is thoroughly documented
[Mike] Let's make this I gotta a lot
of witches to accuse.
Kevin] ARghh uhhh
Why I chug all that buttermilk?
You must set your mind at ease
Mr Paulson.
You are a man who is accustomed to receive
the very best.
[Bill] As evidenced by
your homemade kangell
And nothing less.
Mr Paulson expresses his appreciation
of your remarkable achievements
and regards you as
an extraordinary woman.
[Mike] Had to double check there.
He finds the terms of the financial
agreement somewhat unsatisfactory to him.
There are no
guarantees and no recourse
I often amuse myself with the
provocative image that death
has to be seduced by a woman.
[Kevin] As seen in Larry King
wedding photos.
A medical fact.
It is now possible for me
to transplant your brain into the body
of a healthy young virile athlete.
[Bill] Oh Dorothy Hamill, pick Dorothy Hamill.
The language it is a difficult one.
The outside possibility of a murder charge.
[Mike] Is that the case that they gave me??
To manage your position in
part the legality issue
is purely academic.
[Bill] Where can I spit out this gum??
Immortality.
[Bill] Slightly younger Mr Burns
and slightly gayer Smithers
What remains to be done?
It's a simple matter of arithmetic.
Fifty percent of all your holdings,
in exchange for a
hundred percent of eternity.
[Mike] You just blew eighty
three percent of my mind
* *
[Kevin] wow he made a great choice!!
* *
[[Bill]] Whew, pawn to queens knight two, take a shot
* *
[Mike] Squeaky no!!
I'll bet you get your kicks
out of playing with guns.
I don't play with guns.
I don't like you.
Leave her alone Laura.
I don't trust her.
[Bill] think she's in her mid forties.
She's too emotional
You all heard what a certain doctor
thinks about emotions revealing
weaknesses.
[Mike] Laura if you bring up House one more time
Well the contessa has spoken.
Stay out this.
I can take care of myself.
[Bill] Who gave that
Denny's waitress a gun?
Why don't you and Vera get together
and try brain sex?
I heard it eliminates
emotional disorders.
[Mike] Brain sex?
Oh please don't let Sting
hear about this
What are you waiting for?
The right time.
The right place.
[Kevin] Beef Cake O Gram!
Well what have we got here?
I think I'll take um
[Bill] Young Steve Jobs.
Hands off bitch
He's mine.
Tonight only sweetheart
(indistinct)
Eighteen degrees below zero centigrade.
Yes doctor.
[Mike] And don't
batter fry them this time.
Condition Normal
Lorenzo how do you know for sure
that these athletes
have been kidnapped?
Well we don't.
[Bill] Oh miss those are a wax display.
Miss miss!
How many?
Fourteen.
All over the world.
They were the cream off the
top the best athletes in the world.
You know a few things
bother me Lorenzo.
Yeah.
[Mike] Well I think a bunch of hot women
have been checking me out recently.
Not even a ransom note.
Nobody's and no answers.
That's true and that leaves us
with a whole lot of unanswered questions.
[Kevin] Oh good so I'm not the only one.
Do you know where you found
what's his name the
jai alai player's car?
Yeah sure take you there
first thing in the morning.
Might as well tell you
police came up with a big fat zero.
[Bill] Speaking of which
is that a hipster I see?
Lorenzo..
Do you have some money I can borrow?
Naturally.
And don't worry I'll pay you back.
[Kevin] Pay me back?? Ha ha ha.
Classic.* *
* *
[Bill] Oh no is this going in
a Larry Craig direction?
* *
* *[Mike] Now to reel you in
my hairy little fish.
[Bill] Must move slowly
don't want to startle it.
* *
[Bill] Hand over the black market Propecia kid
You busted me.
What do you want to know.
You American?
I'm only a human being.
[Mike] Well I'm 29% neck beard
You were gonna pull
my number out of a hat.
Put a gun in my hand
So I split.
I need some information.
[Kevin] Like what the hell's up with
those durion fruits?
The night that car
was abandoned here.
You see anything?
Weird trip.
I'm sitting here
working you know doing my thing?
[Bill] working on my memoirs.
Then a hearse drives up
Followed by this caddy limousine
with two chicks in the back seat.
It parked
right over there.
[Mike] UGH he's making this less
interesting than a Jeopardy anecdote.
And they carry a body over
to the hearse they put it in
to a casket and they just split.
See anything else?
Who knows man?
I'm blind remember?
[Bill] Thanks to his
fake blindness he has
fake super hearing.
Yeah the writing on the door
of the hearse said Seaside Chapel
[Mike] Where Susie gives sermons
about selling sea shells
That would be won ton Charlie.
That's fine.
Hey man I'm no fake
I got my interests to protect.
I've got a business here.
It's called
Began Enterprises.
I've got seventy five dudes
working corners just like this one.
[Bill] Draft dodging pan handlers today
just don't have the
same entrepreneurial
spirt they used to.
[Kevin] Hey you like to party?
What do you know about a chapel by the Sea
or Seaside Chapel?
Never heard of it.
[Kevin] and I know all the hot chapels.
That's where the hearse came from.
You ever heard of a dude named Won Ton..
Won Ton Charlie?
You might try the city of death.
[Bill] Used to be called Deathburg.
[Mike] Tweet deleted.
City of death huh?
That's right mister mike.
This is the chinese cemetery.
Very spooky.
[Kevin] Airy colorful bright
sunny VERY spooky!
You honor my dead with your presence?
Mister Harbor.
[Bill] Yeesh those dead
need to raise the
bar a little.
You Won Ton Charlie?
Euphemism.
Slang Mr Harbor.
[Kevin] Ah like everyone
calls me Fart Face.
Unlike in America
here in the City of Death
tombs are chambers of
peace and tranquility.
[Bill] Don't laugh at his
teeth man, keep it together.
Here we welcome
death Mr. Harbor.
May I offer you some
refreshments.
Some tea perhaps?
[Mike] Death tea with death cream
and death sugar?
Information.
That is a priceless commodity.
I just like sex.
[Kevin] What???
Since you're so wired in death
what can tell me about
a chapel by the sea?
I know of no such chapel.
[Bill] There are no
chapels along any of the
coastlines of the thousands
of islands of the Philippines.
Is that a riddle?
No man it's a Chinese puzzle.
[Mike] Like that woven tubey thing
I got my finger stuck in for a week once
An offering to your ancestors.
[Kevin] You should have
offered them marshmallows and weiners
Two to go.
Crude but straight to the point.
[Bill] Like a dull rusty prison shank!
Who might be of interest? to you.
Where can I find him?
At the cockpits.
What's selling?
[Mike] Cock accessories,
cock insurance.
What's a net full of fish?
Not fish Mr Harbor.
Human bones.
[Kevin] For a soup
* *
[Bill] Hey guys guys
you wanna see a dead parrot?
* *
[Mike] New pope's
gonna start riding
around in one of these soon.
He's so chill and fun
* *
(shot fires)
[Kevin] Oh no they got lasers!!
* *
(shots fires)
[Bill] Come on bad guys
just a company car for your goons.
(shots fire)
[Kevin] Pretty gear up on
an antique firearms museum?
(crash)
(shots fire)
[Bill] Damn peasants
leaving their exploding
carts in the street!
* *
[Kevin] Leisure suit Larry is the Bourne Supremacy
* *
[Mike] Are you sure ditching
the slow moving exploding mopeds
is a good idea?
* *
[Bill] Next they take a short cut
through Ferris Bueler's neighbors yard
* *
[Kevin] I have to tinkle.
Can you just wait up a second so I can
go in these hedges?
[Mike] Dammit I told you
to go before we swarmed.
[Kevin] Oh I gotta go!!
* *
[Bill] Why didn't I
pay more attention to Rick Steve's
guide to fleeing in the Philippines?
* *(humming of motor)
(humming of motor)
[Kevin] Learned this technique from
the gun's original
owner Chrispus Attucks
Aggh!!
[Bill] did he make his gun in shop class?
* *
[Kevin] Can't believe he
the old gypsy woman was right--
I will have a sweaty jai alai related death
* *
[Bill] Manilla Come for
the oppressive heat
Stay for the endless gates
* *
[Kevin] Got your nose, ah trachea
Oww!!
[Mike] Weaponized tape
[Kevin] Here comes Wrangler I'm one tough
customer.
I guess.
Hey number one?
Yes?
Everything alright down there?
[Kevin] A man's got a right
to fiddle with his own
dip stick under his own taxi!
Mr Mike!
Looks like someone does not
like you so much huh?
[Mike] Someone's gotta tell
the truth about chem-trails
Ahhh.
[Bill] Hey it's just like the
Pete Seeger song...
Ain't going down to
them cockfights no more.
[Kevin] If I had
a cock I'd fight
it in the morning!! (singing)
(crowd cheering)
(cheering)
[Mike] this is happening
in your stomach every time
you eat a KFC double down.
(cheering)
[Kevin] Look closely you'll
see the chicken's dads screaming
at them from the bleachers.
Come on what was that???
(indistinct)
[Bill] A young Tony Montana
makes his move
(indistinct)
He say
[Mike] He says my name is not
masteroshi and I cannot teach you the
Commy Hommy Ha!!
He has two friends who
have two fishing boats
They went near the shore.
We never heard of them since.
I've heard about these human bones.
[Kevin] Does he know the
dangers of osteoporosis?
Does he know that
treatment is available?
(indistinct)
He says
[Bill] He says what's up with
Marvel's Agents of Shield?
Some times it's pretty righteous
but other times it's like uh
totally mad.
Human bones.
Lots of sharks in the sea.
Lots of sharks.
[Mike] Lots of shark was
the Filipino title for Jaws
(indistinct yelling)
[Kevin] Ah I make the same faces when
the car dealer tries to sell me the
undercoating.
(cheering of crowd)
(cheering)
[Mike] Van Halen Van Hagar!
(cheering)
[Kevin] He told you don't
you ever flap
around here.
Don't want to see your
beak you better disappear!
BAWK!!
* *
[Bill] Oh crank it home the
wife's gonna ask
What did you do at
work today hon? Well watched
a ten minute long animal
abuse sequence?
How about you?
[Kevin] Rewarding.
* *
[Mike] Weirdest Big Brother
program ever
* *
[Kevin] Da da da da kill!
Da da da da gauge!
Da da da
slash slash kill kill!!
[Bill] If Darren Arnofsky
directed Chicken Little.....
* *
[Mike] the cameo by Keith Richards coke nail
* *
Let's get out of here.
Ask him to meet us outside.
[Kevin] They're bathing a bear
out there I don't want to miss it
(bell rings)
[Bill]And thus the old saying
Not by cock fighting spurs
deep in thy own esophagus.
(buzzing)
[Mike] And this is where we keep
the migraine inducing
buck rogers crap
(buzzing)
Our track star has run the mile
in three and a half minutes.
Quite remarkable.
[Kevin] It's also been flavored
sealed to lock in freshness.
Raise the brain wave cycles
from theta to alpha
And restore him to consciousness.
I want some tonight.
This is the second time
this week dear.
You should show more restraint.
The old fashioned way of sex runs
the risks of involving the emotions
[Bill] You know like fear and shame
and slightly different kind of shame.
I speak for all of us.
Brain sex may work for you
But some of us
still prefer physical contact.
There'll come a time
when physical contact
will be unheard of
[Mike] Yeah it's called
marriage am I right?
[all guys] ahh ah ha ha oh!!
Physical sensation
and eliminates emotional disorders.
[Kevin] Now if you'll excuse
me I need to dress like a
saran wrapped quaker and
harvest a track star's spleen
Yes Dr Sue on the fourth level.
Attention Dr Sue your
call to Won Ton is now ready
I'll take it here on the PA system
[Bill] I've installed
one in the patient's gallbladder.
This is Won Ton.
It has come to my attention Won Ton
[Mike] That you're named after an appetizer.
You need to improve the
status of your help.
Mr Harbor has proven to be
resourceful
He eliminated six of my men.
[Kevin] and he mocked my
Larry Dennis robe.
I suggest to you that Mr Harbor represents a
threat to your security.
The only threat to my security
is an associates inability to perform.
[Bill] don't worry Won Ton
it happens often in older men.
Well now it concerns you
shall determine Mr Harbor's fate.
[Mike] Prediction Gonorrhea and a
flop house in Old San Juan.
As you say doctor.
We are ready to surgically adhere
the sperm duct.
[Kevin] And playing the
part of the surgically
adhered sperm duct--this guy! * *
* *Three of those um Bloody Marys.
[Bill] oooo--this is setting
up a thrilling scene
later where Harbor asks for the check!
There are no funeral homes in Manilla.
called Chapel by the Sea.
They all keep quiet and
they talk about the islands.
We did get an interesting
report from the United States.
[Mike] I'm afraid it's stagflation.
A hearse was used in the
abduction of a basketball player.
Then it ties in with blind begger.
[Kevin] Um we prefer
the term visually impaired indigent
if you please
There was a coffin shipped to
Manilla.
It was accompanied by uh
two women dressed in mourning.
Met by two more women.
It's a lot of widows.
[Bill] Because if a woman
mourns you you were
married to her.
* *
[Mike] It's either a come hither look
or acid reflux
* *
[Kevin] Say!
That laminate might just be the
durable flooring solution
I've been searching for
Well it's been a long day uh
I'll be off.
[Bill] I'm gonna
go sell me some
homeowners insurance
* *
Try that.
[Mike] Sunny D tangy original
pretty good right?
You look as though you.
you got great legs baby!
[Kevin] Your femur is attached to
your pelvis and everything.
Thank you.
but they're too long.
[Mike] There aren't enough--
Why aren't you a millipede??
They can wait.
Well let's see what we can do about
keeping them out of the way.
[Mike] Let's feed my legs
to a monitor lizard.
* *
[Kevin] Ever uh flush the hoses
in a rack and pinion
steering system mmm?
We'll see what we can do about that
[Kevin] If not you should.
Particle contamination to
the fluid is the number one
cause of steering failures.
* *
[Bill] Eat your heart out
Cinemax in 1982
* *[Mike] Oh god I hope
this lipstick is a disinfectant
(music)
[Kevin] Yes the stench of high
karate is like a fist through the screen
(music)
[Bill] Oooo she's laying eggs in his
chest cavity!
[Mike] mmmm you
taste like iron city and steak umms
* *
You're really beautiful
[Kevin] Shane McGowan beautiful
It isn't often I meet a man like you
I'll remember for the rest of my life.
[Bill] Booster shots will remind her.
I promise you
I will.
You know that's what I
like about you baby
[Mike] Makes up for your repulsive legs!
I am predictable about one thing
I never miss.
(shot fires)
[Kevin] Bullet proof pillow?
What is this a Best Western?
* *
[Bill] fight choreography by adorable newborn
kittens. **
[Mike] Random arm motions.
Playground slaps!
Tickle finishing moves
[Kevin] Okay kids!
Lights out up there no rough
housing or jumping
on the bed okay?
(crash)
[Bill] Yep it's a Best Western alright
* *
[Mike] the only way this fight scene
could be more awkward is
if she turns out to be
his sister. * *
[Bill] Music sounds like Family Feud
keeps trying to start.
(crash)
* *
[Kevin] Ah! Head butt to the crotch!
Is that the brain sex
they keep talking about?
* *
(shot fires)
[Mike] Ah my wedding night
* *
[Bill] I never figured out stairs!!!
Ow!!!
* *
[Mike] They sell cars outside this hotel?
[Kevin]Nah back in the seventies hotel
cars were complimentary.
Better days.
[Bill] Revolving doors skipped
to the next track
She went that way!
Okay well you follow me.
[Mike] Your dumb little jalopy
will be almost as fast as me
jogging!!
* *
[Kevin] Quick stop at
the garden center
(music)
[Bill] Yeah!
Take that guys who innocently tried to
protect a half naked woman
from a man chasing her
down the street
(music)
[Mike] this is that rare chase where
the people on the street just kind
of watch and get out of the way
[Kevin] Yeah if there were two guys
carrying a big pane of plate glass
they'd politely pause until
they chase went past.
[Bill] Our consideration?
Fruit stand owner could cost
Manilla a shuddering up
closing early for the day!
* *
(horns honking)
[Mike] she's outrunning him
in three inch heels
You're never allowed to
mention your CIA
badass prevention.
* *
[Kevin] Hey slow down lady aren't we supposed
to cat call you!
[Bill] Yeah by the time
I think of something horrible enough
to say to you you're already
gone what gives??
Oh did any one think of us the
street creeps of Manilla?
[Kevin] Yeah
[Mike] Well it's a dull
chase but at least we're
getting a real sense of this place,
its sites. people, lifestyle.
[Bill] Oh mother of God
what went back there!!
[Kevin] And why aren't all these people
screaming at the monster
that just slithered by.
[Bill] some kind of a land eel
a rare delicacy
[Kevin] A remote control gila monster tail?
[Mike] I'm gonna go with Kathulu's dick!
[Bill] Seems right.
Dick it is.
* *
[Kevin] Hey you went out of your way
to do that!
[Bill] No I didn't-police business!
(horns honking)
[Mike] REM is running for office
[Kevin] It's the end of the same old
greed and corruption as we know it!!!
[Bill] Forget REM. I'm voting
for the lingerie lady!
[Mike] Wooo lingerie lady for
president or whatever it is
we have here!!
[Kevin] Parade car slalom
rare chase scene technique
[Bill] Oh no!
Don't steal my hideous clown taxi
I love driving it
around all day in heavy
traffic stop please!
[Mike] Something I've
learned about Philippines
in this movie is that all of the
people are out standing
in the street all of the time!
Mr Mike!
Over here!
[Kevin] What took you so long??!
[Bill] Sorry boss I stopped to get
churros for us but
I ate all the churros
so I felt guilty and went back
for more churros ate those too!
Then I went back to get more.
You won't believe what happen
[Kevin] Yeah yeah I got it thanks.
[Mike] Not on a first date
mister!!!
[Kevin] Okay watch out for the
those-ow yow!!
That's very avoidable mistake!!
[Bill] No it wasn't
police business!
[Mike] That was a
devastating blow to
Manilla's chickens
on a stick economy.
(screeching)
[Kevin] Who am I and where am I going???
[Bill] those cut outs are the
original wonder women, their very brief cameo
* *
[Mike] Horrible rip off with
that scene in Bullet where they
race off and steal a floral installment
and Steve McQueen stops
to smell a gardenia
* *
[Kevin] Out of the way people
this vehicle's late for
carrying tourists through
the It's a Small World ride
* *
(screeching)
[Bill] Oh man!!
A lot of paid professional
stuntmen took a lot of
serious risk for this shoot.
[Mike] Paid professional
stunt what now?
(crash)
[Kevin] Ow
and the flower cart was also
full of chickens on a stick
for some reason!
* *
[Mike] Balloons
Sure.
[Mike] Inexplicable balloon shot
guest directed by ACI films
[Bill] Avoidable!!
[Kevin] Police business!
(screeching)
[Mike] this is the longest
police squad intro ever!!
[Kevin] Whoa that one felt real!
[Bill] Yeah that guy's dead!
(crash)
[Mike] Oh made me spill the yard trimmings
I carry on my school bus!
How dare you?
* *
[Kevin] Okay guys I no longer remember
a time when this chase wasn't happening
[Bill] The chase is life.
Long live the chase
[Mike] All hail the flower carts
our new master
[Bill] Death to all chickens on a stick!
* *
[Kevin] (indistinct)
[Bill] Which car has a Calvin peeing
on the Ford logo?
[Mike] I'd want to jump off a bridge too
[Kevin] Hey cars whatever.
I'm more impressed at how
wide these lanes here!
Looks like heaven!
[Bill] Oh get out of there cows!
Didn't you see what
happens to chickens on a stick??!
(screeching)
[Mike] Keeps getting better
doesn't it?
[Kevin] Oh wait!
I just realized I
left my phone charger
at the hotel chase me
all the way back there?
[Bill] Sure!
[Kevin] Oh dear!
Oregon trail meets grand theft auto
(crash)
[Bill] Sure crash into a sign
nowhere near any water immediately
drive into some water
that's just how it works
[Mike] thank god it's over.
Somehow I blame the
length of this chase on
the sky jacking fad
they mentioned earlier.
[Kevin] Aha ha
So flirty and fun.
The passengers in the vehicle
she stole all drowned.
* *
[Bill] Wait I'm confused this
isn't a chase scene?
[Mike] What's happening??
You ready to talk yet?
Come on sweetheart.
[Kevin] He failed water boarding
in CIA school
Now look at that.
I've been trying to teach you
to behave like a lady.
But you don't seem to appreciate it.
[Mike] Seems like this is leading to a
"it rubs the lotion on its skin"
situation.
Who are you?
Why did you try to kill me?
And where did you come from?
[Kevin] and will you join my
revolutionary war reenactment troup?
So talk!
[Bill] Just like a
Norah Ephron rom com
* *the patient's under
cortex control doctor.
Attention attention
The Harbor party has arrived.
[Mike] these lunch ladies take
sneeze guarding really seriously
Please use all security precautions.
Take Mr Porter into the alpha room
Maintain at sixty two
degrees for twelve hours.
[Bill] She looks like
that time Eddie Murphy
dressed up as a white guy
* *
[Kevin] How did they get here?
[Bill] Don't ask.
Just be glad it
wasn't another car chase.
[Mike] Wanna stop
to grab me a cardigan
or something huh you perves?
Boss boss that time
[Kevin] I gotta say when you
get a taxi in Manilla the driver is loyal!
Be quiet.
Let me take it in.
[Mike] Hey baby remember when I
said that last night?
[Bill] Oh yeah I think that
was right before you started crying
into the pillow and telling me
about your difficult childhood
[Mike] I have no idea what you're talking about
Not in front of the driver
I want him to think I'm
cool. (indistinct)
(bird sounds)
[Kevin] POV shot provided
by some creep behind the tree
Alright back to some
basics which way?
You'll never get off the island alive.
[Mike] well anyway this is a fun
getaway after I stuck a
gun in your mouth.
Don't worry boss I stay
right here and I'll
watch my uncle's bunker.
Your uncle's what?
My uncle's boat.
Go I'll be right here
when you come back.
and I'll take you home safely.
[Kevin] I trust your evil
greasiness completely. (bell chimes)
No not again.
Did you see where she went
[Bill] Of course he did so did you
she was one foot away from you both.
Don't take your eyes off of her
She's very sneaky.
No shit.
[Mike] Heavily guarded
at Nicolas Cage's house.
I'm sorry.
I tried.
[Kevin] I just
couldn't finish a
whole hot pocket.
He's so damned unpredictable.
Sit down Linda.
[Bill] Also this is a hearing
in the future please wear
formal black lingerie
It might be amusing to have you two
exchange parts.
You my dear with your
lovely face and figure
He with his brain and sex?
[Mike] Are they talking
about Carl Sagan?
Dr Sue let me have another chance?
I know him
[Kevin] Wow a lot of skin oil
on the seams of this chair.
I'll find him for you
and I'll bring him back.
Let her have another go at it
After all what have we got to lose?
[Bill] What if he uses his
brain in sex on us?
Ewwwww.
I won't.
You can count on it.
[Mike] Well off to another
ten minute chase scene
Laura keep a watch on Linda.
You can count on it.
* *
[Kevin] Sale on Maybelline!
Let's move move move people!
* *
[Mike] Dang!
Snagged my sex on a tree branch
* *
[Mike] It's also how
they book guests for The View
* *
[Kevin] You-grab some banana leaves
and craft us some sexy new panties
You just I don't know!
Go go go dance over there somewhere.
The rest of you
follow me and I promise you
we'll have a pillow fight
on the bed later
* *
[Bill] Benny Hill watches this scene
and wipes a single admiring tear off
his eye. **
[Mike] Suddenly realizes the crazy
Hammond Organ soundtrack
was the only thing
driving him on. (shots fire)
(shots fire)
[Kevin] Don't shoot my brain or my sex!
* *
[Bill] for the record
guys this is how I want to die
[Mike] Oh good because
this is the Rifftrax
retirement plan.
[Bill] Really?
[Mike] Yeah you signed up
for the bronze plan
which is to be gunned down
in the Filipine jungle by a
bunch of women in mini dresses
[Bill] Well for once not actually
reading an important document pays off!
* *
(shot fires)
[Mike] Here's another chase
scene for ya!
There's some more jungle chase
scene for ya!
How about a woman
shot by a shot gun?**
Blasted in.
By a hero shot gun! (humming)
In the face!
(all guys) Shot a woman
in the face!
With a shot gun in the face!
He's a hero * *
He's a hero!!
Blasting women with
a shot gun to the
face!!!!Yeah!!
* *
(all guys) So many faces
so few shot guns
So many faces
So few shot guns yeah!
Ah.
[Bill] Linda's bottom jaw is a
foamy mess of blood
and tooth fragments
haha.
Ladies.
[Kevin] Hey that's our line!
Ahhhh
My own volcano soup is
the finest I've ever tasted.
My chef's survival depends
on her ability to satisfy my taste
[Mike] Yeah I didn't a word of that
but I'm sure it was kind of evil
Well if it isn't the
indestructible Mr Harbor
Well don't let me interrupt your snack.
We've been looking foward to this
meeting with great anticipation.
[Bill] Trying to murder you
with some machine guns
earlier it was our way of
inviting you to brunch.
I'll take a rain check on it.
Sit down Mr Harbor
[Kevin] would you like
soup or salad before I
filet your genitals and
store them in plastic bags?
* *
[Mike] It's be great if she serves
roasted wang wang with a tiny
apple in his mouth.
I think you're going to
be a most interesting diversion.
I got a good idea but
I'm gonna ask you anyway
What type of business you in?
Transplants Mr Harbor
Transplants.
[Bill] Like LA transplants you
move up to Portland to drink
Micro brews and grow facial hair?
Listen uh what's old fish nose
got to do with transplants?
Mr Degory seeks out clients
and arranges the financial agreement.
[Kevin] also his fish nose
helps sniff out rotting crustaceans
on the sea bed
See that explains the kidnapping
of the jai alai
player what's his name
and the other missing athletes.
[Mike] did he use his brain or his sex?
to figure that out.
Strong young bodies are at a premium
And how high are these premiums?
As high as the market will bear Mr Harbor.
[Bill] Gaw fish nose guys will
never give you a straight answer
You're not exactly what I would
consider blue ribbon material.
First class merchandise.
But with Mr Degory's
superb negotiating
[Kevin] Ha ha ha
we could maybe
command four to five hundred
thousand dollars for your body
[Mike] But then we got 2.3 million
for Ernest Borgnine.
With all due respect
doctor I think you're a bit high.
I mean I would
have to sell him completely
on his uh virility
[Bill] What does he currently
have a boner??!!
A few years younger.
You're quite right Degory.
And enough of these socialities.
I'm sure Mr Harbor's anxious
to look over his new home?
Sure why not?
[Kevin] And this is the room
where we cut off your virility
[Mike] Uh cool very modern.
Wait what?
[Bill] Could you maybe hang up
a Starsky and Hutch poster?
or something?
[Kevin] It's great here
(muffled) Yeah you'll love it!
Isn't it uh
It will be my most important achievement
Complete brain and body transplant.
[Bill] so they
take a whole human and transplant
another whole human?
I gotta get into that racket.
He died eight hours ago.
He's still breathing.
I have placed him
under alpha control consciousness.
so his brain
will not deteriorate from
lack of oxygen.
[Kevin] That's pretty easy if you
buy the four most annoying
spinning lights on the planet!!
Hey isn't that uh?
The jai alai player.
Your jai lai player
[Mike] Can I have his prostate?
Is he dead?
On the contrary he's
in perfect physical condition.
But in a comatose state.
[Bill] Like Channing Tatum's acting!
Now Mr Harbor.
Ultimately you will end up here
That's my gyroscope.
[Kevin] you can get them
at Spencer's gifts
A what??
My vital organs vault.
Oh.
You mean to tell me
these things still work?
[Mike] He's got no problem of the
morality of kidnapping
and hacking up humans
he's just kind of mildly
irritated by the whole process.
(mumbling)
Incredible.
Credibility is the matter of
exposure and conditioning.
[Mike] Could you put a boob
in this thing?
A few years ago
An interplanetary flight
was considered incredible.
But now it's a simple matter of fact.
Such as this.
[Kevin] You have inter planetary
flight in your pantry?
A high frequency sound wave.
I gotta hand it to you Doc.
[Mike] I got to hand
you my sex I mean ehhhh.
You don't waste a damn thing do you.
Nothing.
Not even my failures.
I call him Tyrannosaurus Rex
After the dinosaur.
[Bill] Oh after the dinosaur
not after the line of
skin care products??
I wouldn't get too close if I were you
That's Goliath.
Now let me
introduce you to my pet Shangri la.
[Kevin] She's professor of
women's studies at Vassar.
Brain transplant.
I had to use the brain of an ape.
(indistinct)
There's Colosis.
Didn't he used to play basketball?
Mmm hmmm.
[Mike] Couldn't make the grade
in jai alai huh?
He's terribly upset when he's ignored.
I think he's jealous.
[Bill] Whoa take the ice cream pail
off my head I'm actually
a very nice guy!
We live in an age where
fact and fiction are two sides of
the same coin.
These are creatures which I created.
Granted they are mistakes
[Kevin] Mistake??
I feel like I am
at my peak.
[Bill] Oh shut up Collosis!
I have a delightful surprise for you.
[Kevin] it's not really
committed to the hands up thing
It's a different kind of experiment
one I'm sure you
will enjoy.
Lead on Doc you haven't
disappointed me yet
[Bill] I recently added Dolby
to my mind control machine
got the light show
from Hammacher Schlemmer
[Mike] looks like a typical 70s talk show
There are thousands of erotic
areas not fully experienced
by the ordinary mind.
[Kevin] Hehhh
[Kevin] As long as sex is in
the title I'm for it
(buzzing)
[Kevin] No I don't think I'm doing
this right I'm just seeing cartoons
in my head.
* *
[Mike] UGhh his brain has BO
[Kevin] Uh Ross the machine hasn't
started yet that's just you!
* *
[Bill] Yah! Stop that!
[Mike] okay let's get
this over with. (music)
(music intensifies)
[Kevin] you know when I got here today
I didn't expect to see the
most vomit inducing thing
ever committed to film!!!
[Mike] No legs ha ha!
[Bill] Ha Accidentally patched
this guy into a
three way!
How do you stop it?
Reaction negative.
[Mike] Yeah you seem really
worked up about it sister
Emergency! Emergency!
The brain is slow to the
the variation point.
Notify doctor Sue.
Emergency
Emergency doctor Sue
[Kevin] always happens when I'm brain sexing!!
Doctor Sue Emergency!
[Bill] sorry Kevin
Prepare for surgery immediately
[Bill] and get me a brain cigarette!
I will rejoin you later.
[Mike] Ahhhh love you too!
[Kevin] and bring me a sandwich
will ya zzzzzz!
Have Vera join me in the operating
room immediately
[Bill] I want my brain power washed!
Arrest her
place her in detention.
And schedule her for
a complete dissection,
[Mike] and a Brazilian.
Take her away.
Move!
Guard!
[Kevin] Yes my child?
Take Mr Harbor to my office.
[Kevin] Uh sorry could have
sworn you said God there, God out.
(footsteps)
[Bill] Take your time we'll wait.
Stroll at your own pace
(footsteps)
[Mike] What are you?
Are you fitness walking?
Why are you doing that?
Stop it!
(footsteps)
[Kevin] ah taking her down to the
secret bunker to meet the real mastermind
behind all of this--Becky Hitler
[Bill] Their landscapers way into zelda
(music)
[Kevin] Check out how young my hands look!
[Mike] so, you want to patty cake
huh?
Bring it!
[Kevin] this fight scene has it all-slapping
shoving and of course falling over
* *
[Bill] you know if it had more of this maybe
Spice World wouldn't have flopped so badly
* *
[Mike] Hang on.. aggghhh okay!!
[Kevin] Come on Vogue!
you call that Vogue-ing???
Come on!!!
[Bill] Wonder women!!!!
Their motto
Fighting is hard!!
[Kevin] He caaaaved Ah!!!
(slap) [Kevin] and she's brought
down by an ear slap
(gong sounds)
Linda don't shoot I want out too.
Together we can make it.
Good.
Let's get Mike out.
Just a minute we need to
create a diversion
or it won't work.
You're right what will we do?
[Mike] Well erotic dance
of course.
Dr Suesfreks.
Good.
You take this.
Go down let him out,
I'll get Mike.
We'll meet at the boat dock,
Right
* *[Kevin] Most dangerous
part of being a wonder woman?
The chafing. **
* *
(shot fires)
[Bill] Wow she paint balled the door open
* *
[Mike] And they're off and running
Glen Howard takes an early
lead followed by caveman Trent Resner, Matchhead,
and bringing up the rear
the smarter version of Dennis Rodman
[Kevin] Ah dropped my damn keys
in this guy's brain.
Never gonna get them out!
Alert!!!!
Alert!!
Escape in progress!
The Cage rooms specimens
are loose.
[Bill] folks feel free to use
the name cage room specimens for your
metal band!
Escape in progress!
The Cage Room Specimens are loose!
Close the door.
[Mike] and get me
fresh vinyl seat cover for my head.
Attention Cage Room specimens
are to be destroyed on site!
[Kevin] off to the Freddy Mercury cosplay con
(indistinct)
(siren sounds)
[Bill] well back to doing magic shows
for bar mitzvahs.
Alert!
[Mike] Footage borrowed from
a Greg Kinn music video circa 1985.
(sirens sounds)
[Kevin] Good thing I wore my
sneaking boots and stealth bra today
(siren sounds)
* *
[Bill] Ahh yahh gennn!
* *
[Mike] Wow when she said she'd kill
for those earrings she wasn't kidding
* *
[Kevin] Ah ha mint underpants!
[Bill] didn't she pull those out earlier
You know if you really
came down I knew you would take me.
You've got a big mouth
We've got to get out of here.
Otherwise all hell's gonna break loose.
Not yet
I got a hundred grand laying around
someplace if he's still alive.
Who is it?
The jai alai player
Grab the machine gun.
In an emergency operation he's the one.
Lead the way
[Bill] any of that make sense to you?
[Mike] Doesn't matter, lead the way
(sirens)
[Kevin] Give me that
(sirens)
* *
[Mike] It's safer this way honey, me fully armed
you essentially bottomless
[Kevin] Bienvenue
Welcome!
* *
He's dead.
[Bill] I knew that CATHY!!
Leave me,
[Kevin] Stick this on the hibachi.
[Mike] Well at least I still have one
in the fridge for the holidays
[Kevin] There's her problem she
couldn't see for all
the snot!
* *shots fire)
[Bill] I'm not clear
(shots fire) what I'm dying for??
(shots fire)
[Mike] wow she really hates colored liquids.
[Kevin] and giblets!
(shots fire)
[Bill] Thank you for taking charge
I was so afraid when I killed three
guards to rescue you
[Mike] Just keep your legs out of the way
* *
(shots fire)
[Mike] We're terrible hench women!!
* *
(sirens)
[Kevin] wow just think about
the collective amount of chafing
that's going on right now
[Bill] Ah enough about chafing huh?
* *[Mike] Okay if I stay alive
be cool (indistinct)
(shots fire)
[Kevin] okay admit it
I know you're bringing me to a
surprise party right?
Come on everybody I'm wise!
You nuts! ha ha
* *
[Bill] If I grab your butt it's because
i'm blindfolded and disoriented okay?
* *
[Mike] He didn't notice me
taking a dump back there damn
* *
[Kevin] He's due on the set
of a Filipino Austin Powers
rip off in twenty minutes
* *
[Bill] Kiss really loses
something without the Kabuki makeup
* *
[Mike] I would consider this escape
an utter failure if they
don't find some way to
destroy at least one
innocent chicken on a stick
(shots fire)
[Kevin] Exactly how it went
when I freaked out and tried
to escape the enchanted
Tiki Room at Disneyland
(shots fire)
[Bill] Ah must have been a member of the
Detroit Pistons
* *
[Mike] Whoever had
the guts to go for the
full tonture
[Kevin] My cane
is hilarious!
[Bill] Is this movie kind of stupid?
[Mike] I gently prick you to death
* *
[Kevin] Ha ha come to papa baby
I got the weird looking one?
AH Gross!!
(shot fires)
[Mike] A lot of people sure did
die in a hail of bullets just now
Wonder who's on Fallon tonight?
[Mike] Hey you're uh
you're getting my crotch
right guys?
My crotch on camera ?
Yeah?
[Kevin] Oh sweet!
Free colostomy bags!
Hey you never know?!
(siren sounds)
He's unharmed Mr Harbor
[Bill] I will not give
up my favorite decoration.
I like jai alai
guy where he is!
That will do you no good.
The glass is armoured it's bullet proof
[Mike] I trust you entirely
powermad super villain
Listen lady aren't you a
little tired of playing God?
[Kevin] something Oprah's assistant
asks her every day.
Just remember like all great minds
we cannot avoid our destiny.
Goodbye Mr Harbor
[Bill] So she was a giant
sack of flour all along!
Explains a lot.
Come on kid let's go home.
[Mike] Obviously bringing
you out of this stage is a
delicate process so we have to be masculine
* *
[Kevin] mmmmmm now this puts the hot
jai lai into hi I likey what I see!!
He he
Sorry just trying something guys.
Gotta work on my 1960s purr skills
[Bill] Yeah you do.
* *
[Mike] ah poolside vodka!
That takes me back
to my days as a lifeguard.
And a lengthy trial that followed.
[Kevin] you know I get it,
It's called Wonder Women because I
wonder why any women would
agree to be in it?!
* *
[Bill] Becaru's brother--Jeeves Sulu!
* *
[Mike] There's another dead possum
clogging the pool filter.
You suit yourself. but it's true.
Lloyds of london won't believe it either.
Lorenzo it doesn't matter.
[Kevin] Uh the servant made
eye contact with me
Have him destroyed.
What's his name-the jai alai
player back in one piece.
All I want is my check for $160,000.
[Bill] this might have been a Terry
Silver origin story all along.
After all it's not every day
we can save the company a
half million dollars.
That is with certain large deductions.
[Mike] Four thousand dollars for
hotel room adult channels?
Get help man!
Here you are.
I'm sure it's gonna
be put to all kinds of
good use.
[Kevin] Hey I have a Ph.d. in
astrophysics quit leering at me!
You know they're expecting you in Rome?
Sorry
You promised them you'd meet them there.
Postpone it.
I'm gonna take a vacation.
A very long vacation.
[Kevin] and I may spend all of it
in my aunt's bathrobe.
You know it's gonna cost my company
five million dollars if those jewels
are not recovered?
Why it's the crime of the century.
[Mike] makes the great muppet caper look
like a mere average muppet caper!
Genius to solve it!
Sorry.
I figure it's gonna take me
two maybe three
[Kevin] Viagras?
Three weeks to get
my strength back
Mike I'm prepared to offer you--
Lorenzo!
[Kevin] go back to your oil.
It's a proposition that's
too good to turn down.
Number two houseboy.
Will you show our guest out?
[Mike] Houseboy number one is taking a
house boy number two.
I'll tell him I tried.
Two weeks?
[Kevin] As unequivocally
stated less than twenty seconds ago.
Mike I hope I'm worth it?
Oh well money can't
buy everything.
But he did say it was
the crime of the century.
[Bill] Crime of the century was
whatever her acting coach charged her!
[Mike] Will you teach me to
play harder checkers?
Do you play well?
Well Bobby Fisher we're
masters of the game of chess.
[Kevin] then he found out my mom was Jewish
If you want.
Yes I want.
[Mike]Check... Mate! (Kevin laughs)
It's your move.
[Mike] Doesn't white traditionally go
first?
[Kevin] Don't ruin my
sleazy banter ehhhh
* *[Bill] That can't be good for his self esteem!
[Mike] What happened to this one's horsey?
[Kevin] Well he never had one
[Mike] What sound does this one make?
[Mike] I'm scared of the castles
you take mine
[Kevin] Okay we're playing go fish
[Kevin] Gary Kasparov tried the same
seduction technique against deep blue
[Bill] please don't say deep or
blue while she's doing that.
[Mike] Good thing they're not playing Monopoly
It would be a lot less sexy
if she was rubbing marvin
gardens on her lips
* *
[Kevin] Should have known something
was up when her EHarmony
profile just said "duuuhhhhhhh"
[Mike] ah Blumenfeld's gambit!
Very clever madam!
Allow me to counter with my penis!
[Mike] She's Kristen Stewart in a blonde wig
isn't she?
[Kevin] this is much sexier than the time
he played houseboy number
two in bikini chess! **
[Kevin] (laughs) Nothing there!
* *
[Mike] mmm oh yeah the way you repelled
Punziani's opening with the Karadon
defenses gets me so hot baby ehhhh
[Kevin] Don't think about that
weird tail at the market.
You don't want to imagine it writhing
over your mouth and down your throat
Oh God.
* *
[Bill] this happens to me every time
I play settlers of catan.
I find the
act of trading sheep
for bricks very erotic.
I make no apologies!!
(gong sounds)
[Kevin] Your gong works!!
* *
[Bill] Yeah we've been standing
here for forty minutes
[Mike] Erghhhhhhhhh
[Mike] LLLLLLLLL.....
* *
Ladies.......
Goodbye Mr Harbor.
Like all great minds we cannot
avoid our destiny
[Kevin] Yes this was a tale
of great minds!
[Mike] Yes indeed
* *
[Bill] the Wonder Women will return in
the shifts at various small
markets Hooter's restaurants
over the year
[Mike] Thanks for joining us
today folks for a
delightful romp of a movie where
many many people and animals
died horribly
[Bill] Fortunately at least a few
of them were actors
[Kevin] and before we wok a chick on
our last wok a chick we'd like to remind you
that we're a tiny independent
company that relies on our customers to keep
making the thing that you enjoy!
[Bill] so wait we're not a
division of comglomco
incorporated?
[Mike] No no so if you got handed
this Rifftrax by a stranger
at a cock fight or it slithered
by you on the street at a crowded market
or if you lost consciousness
when you woke up a sinister
female doctor has implanted
it directly in your brain please
head to Rifftrax.com/donate
and chip in your fair share!
[Kevin] It's what that horrible
tail thing would want
Bye!
[Mike] say no to legs!
* *