Space Master X-7

Long ago, the United States sent a rocket into space. That rocket had a monkey on it, and it was called Space Master X-7.

You would be forgiven if you assumed that the movie Space Master X-7 was about this rocket, or at the very least, the monkey. It is not. The mission concludes successfully in the second minute of the movie and the rocket is never heard from again. Despite being a logical endpoint for a movie named Space Master X-7, the movie sadly keeps going.

Turns out the rocket brought back a radioactive space fungus which a leading scientist deems “Blood Rust.” Tragically, the fungus breaks containment and the scientist begs his army colleagues to come burn his house down, which they are shockingly prepared to do at the drop of a hat, to the point where you wonder if they just keep surplus containers of gasoline in their car at all times in case they need to commit arson against a co-worker. (This is a standard policy of the RiffTrax writing staff.) And then at this point, with the planet’s future hanging in the balance, it becomes a film about a woman trying to catch a flight.

“Ah ha!” You’re thinking. “She’s going to catch a flight on Space Master X-7!” Nope, standard airplane, headed to Hawaii. (The beautiful state of Hawaii is not depicted in the movie but you do get plenty of RiffTrax staple “drab office with a cheap American flag in the corner” and its distant cousin “drab office with a cheap world map in the corner.”) The woman puts on a wig at some point, but you’re just left to lament the fact that in a better movie it could be the monkey in the wig. A taxi driver is portrayed by this guy Moe Howard, but he’s not a main character, more of a stooge. Anyway, the Blood Rust is on board the plane and humanity is potentially doomed. There’s only one thing that can save us. That’s right: a monkey in a wig!

Join the Riff Masters Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Space Master X-7!

Written By: Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason, Jason Miller, & Zach Shatzer