Ever played a game of Dungeons & Dragons run by a dungeon master who’s recently suffered a concussion? The experience has been faithfully replicated in film form, it’s called The Lord Protector!

Imagine, if you will, a fantasy world where almost everyone can do magic but none of the magic looks cool. We follow Rennick, the titular Lord Protector and Dr. Strange resembler, as he struggles to solve the Riddle of the Chosen to save the realm from… uh, the Riddler? Gollum? It’s unclear. The guild of mages is hopelessly corrupt except for one young adept named Primus (or Priamus, depending on who’s speaking) so it’s up to Rennick to assemble a classic D&D adventuring party to, uh, y’know, solve a riddle.

There’s a drunken fighter with a Scottish accent so thick it’d make Shrek blush. There’s a sarcastic wizard, which makes for two sarcastic wizards in the crew, which feels like too many. And a healer, and a White Queen, and a whole lot of sitting around in taverns making grand pronouncements about The Lore. Oh yeah, there’s even a Keeper of the Lore! What is the Lore, exactly? Nobody knows! But it’s definitely important that it be kept!

The most remarkable magical feat on display here is the fact they got Charlton Heston and Olivia Hussey to do some voiceover work. Yes, that Charlton Heston. Just try to pry the check he got for twenty minutes in a recording booth out of his cold, dead hands!

The Lord Protector is a big ol’ cauldron full of fantasy slop and honestly, it’s pretty fun. Grab a polyester cloak and a mystic amulet from a flea market and join Mike, Kevin and Bill on their quest into the very heart of The Lord Protector!

Written by Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason, Jason Miller, and Zach Shatzer