The Hunger Games

Just when things looked grimmest for Hollywood’s bottom line and executives started seriously considering adapting the origin stories of cereal mascots for the silver screen, along came The Hunger Games to save the day! Yes, The Hunger Games, the series that critics are saying is “Almost definitely going to have the last book split into two movies” finally arrives to bring you archery, love and oh so much reaping!

Star of the show is Jennifer Lawrence, who wowed audiences in Winter’s Bone by being able to make it through a movie called Winter’s Bone without cracking a smile at the fact that the movie was named Winter’s Bone. Starring as Katniss, she volunteers for the games as a substitute for his sister Primrose, which forces her to leave behind her sort of boyfriend Gail, and get sent off to the capitol with a guy named Peeta. We contacted the folks at NASA and asked them to fire up some of their supercomputers in order to calculate which of those four names is the stupidest. They were willing, of course, but as soon as they hit start, we heard a loud buzzing in the background, and some people saying “No...No, this can’t be happening!” and “I’ve never seen a mainframe melt that fast before!” and “To the escape pods! No children allowed!”, so we figure we’re due to receive those results any minute now.

Anyways, at some point in time Lenny Kravitz shows up, bringing back fond memories of the wonderful moments just before he shows up. Stanley Tucci interviews the doomed contestants and determines whether they will join Hufflepuff or Slytherin. And Woody Harrelson, one has to imagine, took the role thinking he’d get to hang out on set all day with noted babe Elizabeth BanDEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO NOTED BABE ELIZABETH BANKS!?

We’ll just say this: at one point Peeta claims that his professional, almost magical level of talent as a camouflage artist all stems from the fact that he is good at frosting cakes in his family’s bakery. Even this part of the movie is five hundred times less stupid than any given part of Twilight. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, Katniss, Peeta, Canfinflas, Scrappy-Doo and Sylvester McMonkey McBean for the 74th annual Hunger Games!